Proclaiming positive affirmations on a daily basis does not mean you’re confident. Walking with your head held high is not what makes you confident. Portraying an image of grandeur still does not make you confident.
You can even believe with all your heart that you’re confident but true confidence doesn’t shine until tested.
Let’s make one thing clear, a truly confident person would never take herself out of character. For the purpose of this article, taking yourself out of character means:
Doing things you normally wouldn’t do given your concept of who you are.
Accepting things you normally wouldn’t accept given your concept of who you are
Because you need some form of validation.
Seeking validation can be a search for approval, praise, attention, affection, privilege, company, benefit, belongingness, security, significance, justification, etc.. Essentially, you need someone to react to you in a specific way so you can reaffirm and feel good about who you are.
If the person reacts positively (the way you want), it reaffirms your false confidence. If they react negatively (not the way you want), it can nag at your insecurities and send them slapping you in the face. Of course you must fight back!! (lol)
So, you may lash out and engage in even more “out of character” behavior.
I intend to write an article about confidence but for now, confidence is tested in situations where you can:
(a) Potentially do something to gain another’s validation.
(b) Accept something to maintain another’s validation.
Will you succumb to validation-seeking behavior? Or will you choose to be your own source of validation? You must be very aware of yourself to notice when you are faced with that decision. In reality, it’s never really as clear as a question. It’s much more subtle than that.
This makes it particularly easy to seek validation while still believing you are confident. In the moment, you can find multiple ways to justify your behavior while keeping your self-concept intact. All it takes is a little mental adjustment. It can eventually go on until you barely recognize yourself anymore.
Ever had a flashback moment when you’ve asked yourself : “What was I thinking when I did that ?” There are times when I’ve had to stop and ask myself : What are you doing? Is this even you? A lot of the time, it was because of validation-seeking behavior.
To be your own source of validation means:
Being able to affirm and feel good about your self-concept, without needing to do or accept anything, for the sake of another’s validation.
It requires confidence in your conception of who you are. This is impossible if your self-concept is built on false confidence. In that case, you will continue to do and accept things that are incoherent with your self-concept. Thus, you will always take yourself out of character.
Given all discussed above, you never actually take yourself out of character. The validation-seeking part of you has always been there. It’s simply hidden by a self-concept built on false confidence. The issue isn’t exactly with your self-concept, it’s with its engineering.
You’ve guessed it! This wasn’t an article about apologizing when you’ve taken yourself out of character. It’s more of an “apologize when you’ve kept yourself in denial article”.
It’s okay to deconstruct how you view yourself to better understand it.
It will help you achieve the goal of PenDorah’s box:
“A quest to understand and engineer a fulfilling self-concept”
#Jointhequest = don’t forget to subscribe!